Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
