that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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