Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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