The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
