Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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