Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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