I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
