I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
