The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
