1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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