I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
