Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
