Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
