I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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