Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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