I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
