Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
