im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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