I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
