Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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