GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
