I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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