So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
