Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
