If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
