I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
