I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
