When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
