I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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