his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
