If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
its liver damage thursday
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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