You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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