I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
