the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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