i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
