I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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