Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
