By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
