I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let's get the cat blown out
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
