i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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