Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
