first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have fence marks all over my body
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
