somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
