I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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