What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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