my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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