for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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