Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
