well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
