I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
BRING THE BAGELS
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