did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
