3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
