oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
