Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
