1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
