my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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