What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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