i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
