I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
