omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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