You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
